"Heart Failure."
As I came to learn, these two words are an umbrella term for many different ailments that impact the heart’s ability to function properly. Now, these words are just as much part of my identity as others that make me, me.
Hearing those words for the first time took place early in the day on September 8, 2023, after a night in the emergency room, where it had been strongly recommended I go because of the result of a particular blood test. The thought was I had a blood clot. I did not.
After a battery of tests including a CT Scan, MRI, echocardiogram, an angiogram and 8 days in hospital, the severity of the scarring found in the bottom muscles of my heart, and my left ventricle’s reduced ability to pump blood led to the discovery I had experienced a silent heart attack.
While the “when” will never be known, the damage indicated it had taken place anywhere from months to years earlier. Looking back now through the lens of what I know about symptoms, years ago seems most likely.
The “how it happened” though is more complex in part because I was told that the level of damage that exists exceeds what they would expect from the diagnosis. What is known includes genetics from multiple family lines with a history of heart disease, a lack of fully holistic self-care, and the cumulative effects of significant stress pin-pointed to particular stretches of time. Beyond that becomes guess work.
This brings me to the first lesson I learned: FOCUS ON MOVING FORWARD
Sometimes in our lives there will be things that happen that just don’t have a definitive answer. In those moments, the best thing to do is focus on what needs to happen going forward, and invest your time and energy there instead of dwelling on an answer that will never exist.
I came to this realization very early in my eight-day hospital stay, along with the decision I would navigate whatever needed to happen with the same positivity, determination, and focus on learning I embrace in my life almost every day. In many ways, my approach has been that my heart issues are a problem, for which a combination of approaches have been and will continue to be applied going forward, by me, and in collaboration with others.
When I was in hospital a very special person also said: “Gareth, you do see the irony that what you value most, and use every day is the thing that’s taken you down, right?” My response was: “I do, but we’re not going to think about that right now.”
The universe however was determined for me to receive said message. Not long after I’d gotten home, a dear friend on why they thought this happened to me shared: “Gareth, it’s all the love that your heart sends out to other people.”
These comments, along with several others from people across my life, my support network and an amazing therapist led me to a lot of reflection on both the beauty and challenges of being someone who deeply leads and gives with all his heart. This led to the single most important area of learning, which I invite you back to learn about in next week’s post on September 30.
As I end this post, so that you aren’t worrying about me, I’ll add that now, just over a year later, I feel better than I have in years, and as part of my weekly exercise, just finished a 16 km bike ride, and a 5 ½ mile hike.