The journey of understanding one’s own sense of internal self in relation to others is a constant tug of war against the societal values, cultural roles, norms, and expected behaviors. And how we choose to express our internal sense of self is another layer. This is no truer than with gender, where one needs to navigate a world with a rapidly changing digital landscape, where language and terminology itself is evolving as our hyper-connected world comes to understand itself better.

For me, exploration of gender was something I denied myself for the longest time. Throughout my youth in the 90’s, I lived in a world where being gay, not to mention ‘queer’, was something visibly mocked or demeaned. My social peers contained few if any out individuals. But now, our society has changed dramatically since then, with almost 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identifying as LGBTQ2S+. We see diverse forms of positive representation in media, and outspoken artists and political representatives speak on current issues. It was these changes that set the stage for me to be able to reflect on who I am and ask deeper questions beyond who I am attracted to.

While I was assigned male at birth (AMAB), the stereotypical presentations of masculinity never aligned with who I am. And yet, strictly speaking, neither do feminine forms of gender roles or norms. Originally, I find myself floating somewhere in-between the two, taking bits and pieces from each that I find comfortable and relatable, and forming for myself an internal identity, and external presentation that is different. And even then, while some components of the way I dress, or choose to adorn my body can be considered masculine or feminine, the majority are parts that aren’t necessarily assigned to either. And this to me is how I truly feel about the identity trans non-binary. That it isn’t some average point in-between two extreme points of hypermasculinity and hyperfeminity, but is somewhere outside of that simplified spectrum all together. It isn’t defined by being in the middle of that line, but by existing outside of it. And the intensity in which I find I feel that feeling can vary too, from day-to-day, or month-to-month.

The way in which this can look for individuals is very personal and individualistic, and therefore, the different people feel different about it, and express themselves differently. Non-Binary is a great term, partially because it is an umbrella term, and can encompass so many different facets of individuals. Some individuals choose to dress or internalize aspects of gendered roles, dress, behaviors, and can also encompass people who do or do not medically transition. There really isn’t one way to be transgender, and the same is true for someone who is trans non-binary. And I feel like that is the biggest take away I want for individuals who have friends or family of those who are trans, and trans non-binary. There isn’t one set mold. The non-binary person in your life has taken the time to explore, and is likely still exploring, what aspects of gender mean to them. That exploration takes a great deal of internal labour, consideration, and effort. If they express this aspect of themselves to you, it is because they value you, they treasure their relationship with you, and want you to be a part of that personal truth with them. That the best thing you could do is be accepting, affirming, and supportive. Simple actions like respecting a person’s pronouns, learning how to navigate the gender neutral pronouns they/them, and taking the time to ask how you can best support them will make the biggest difference, hands down.

I know it’s made the biggest difference for me.

Thank you to Vice for use of the Photo. https://genderphotos.vice.com/

Coming Up Next on the #WhatsYourSparkBlog
August 10: I had the great fortune to meet Kristina Sigurdson-Legrand more than half my lifetime ago and am delighted to welcome her to the blog. Next week Kristina writes about something we all experience and have to navigate on the journey of life – being in the discomfort zone, how to navigate it and how to help other people through it.